Forget the off-side rule, I cannot understand women

I'll get pelters for this but, crash helmet on, here goes: whatare women? I speak after seeing pictures of (a) celebrity personUlrika Jonsson and (b) Sian Somebody, a female footer linesmansubjected to sexist jibes by commentator Andy Gray who was sackedfor his troubles.

Was Gray's sacking harsh? For the sexism, possibly. But he shouldhave been sacked years ago for calling everything wrong (includingoffside) and bluffing over his mistakes when the video evidenceproved it.

As for the lineswoman, pictures in the papers show her lookingglam at dancing and social activities. It's this sort of thing Iwant to talk about, not Andy Gray.

Nothing wrong with the pictures. She looks a million dollars. Yetlook at her as a linesman. She's an entirely different person. It'slike women playing hockey. I believe that, forced to watch a wholegame of women's hockey, I would change my entire sexual orientationand apply to be gay (Dear sir or madam ... ).

Then there's that Ulrika, looking -- and I hate to say it butlive by the face, die by the face -- scrawny and much older than 43at an awards ceremony. Next thing, she's in yon Hello magazinelooking spectacularly attractive. How? She looks like two differentpeople. How do women do this?

How do you know what you're getting when you apply for one? I'veonly two appearances: hideous and slightly less hideous (once I'veput my teeth in). But at least you know what you're getting.

You may say (if female): "Hey, big nose, why should it be anissue what the lineswoman looks like? It isn't an issue when thelinesman is a man." Incorrect. There's a peculiar looking fellowwith a bulbous bald head who waddles up and down the line at footergames, and he gets pelters because of his appearance. I rememberanother unprepossessing chap, who got a yellow card, and the crowdchanted: "Booked for being ugly."

Then there were the fans whose club narrowly avoided relegationthanks, they believed, to their rotund manager: "He's fat, he'sround, he stopped us going down."

How much abuse has Wayne Rooney received -- notably from women --because of his unfortunate resemblance to a monkey? It'sreprehensible but it happens. Sure, it doesn't need commentatorsjoining in (even off-air). Then again, the lineswoman underadvisement has posted innocent but attractive pictures of herselfstanding in her pants on a beach.

More flagrantly, I've just seen an internet news story headlined'Apprentice star [Joanna Riley] shows off her 'other side' as shestrips for sexy magazine shoot.' Why? Why is she doing that? Askher. I'm totally lost.

It's the whole femininist revolution gone wrong. I was one ofthese schmucks who marched for women's rights back in the day. Neveragain.

They weren't meant to turn out just as bad as us.

This week, Tory MP Dominic Raab called for men to burn theirbriefs in protest at the 'obnoxious bigotry' of modern women.Dominic goes too far -- genuine women's rights still have a littleway to go, as do my briefs before I incinerate them.

But you can understand his bewilderment. Women's simultaneousvictimhood and over-assertive stridency are confusing. Almost asconfusing as the offside rule.

But I don't think we want to go there.